A woman in #L♥ve…

You’ve prayed for it

Felt incomplete without it

Experienced envy of it

Yearned for it more than your breath

Without it you were on the brink of death

Short of it, you have nothing left

I feel compelled to ask. Are you really ready for love? Are you prepared for the helplessness that hits you like a flash of lightning in a thunderstorm? Are you emotionally equipped with what it takes to be in love? You state you desire love but are you ready?

When I met you, you were the prototype of a woman. You were strong and well put together. You had an essence that was attractive and your energy pulled me without effort. The sway in your walk would make anyone salivate. You were tantalizing. But even the stoutest woman will quake in unexpected submission when she falls in love. Especially if I’ve made her back arch and her toes curl. It will be the scariest thing she’s ever experienced. If she isn’t prepared, it will not only sweep her off her feet; it will cause her to lose her most precious possession, herself. She’ll find herself questioning her security, doubting her most innermost thoughts; she will feel powerless.

This is when most partners begin to see a woman they didn’t see before and sometimes it will push them away. Why? Because everything that you were before has been either tucked away and forgotten or it was washed away because it wasn’t real in the first place.

Once the L word has been spoken if a person is insecure, the nagging begins. The mistrust begins. The overthinking begins. It’s like you can’t help yourself and you don’t know why. Let me let you in on a little secret. All of these are symptoms from the vulnerability a person begins to experience after they fall in love or gain great feelings for another individual. Once you fall in love, if you are not complete within yourself, all of the insecurities you tried to hide or were unaware of, will make themselves shown, front line and center. And they will hit you and your partner like a freight train going south. Your once “caught up” partner will go west and if your internal issues are not addressed you will remain smack dap in the middle…stagnant.

Most people didn’t receive classes on confidence while in grade school nor in college. Most were not taught about love and relationships from their parents or elders. Most people aren’t cognizant in regard to dealing with themselves, let alone dealing intimately with someone else. A certain level of buoyancy is needed when dealing with love in relationships, especially when sex is involved and most people are not equipped for this. Most learn from experience, some don’t learn at all and if you find someone who’s willing to take the journey of finding yourself without judgment or ridicule successfully and devoid of insanity, you are a fortunate and rare person.

The best gift you can give yourself is honesty. Looking at yourself from the inside out might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but it can also be the most worthwhile. No one wants to admit they are not superwoman but instead they’re human. As women, we have been taught we always have to be strong, first for others and then for ourselves but that’s bullshit. Despite what’s going on in life, you must stop and take the time to look in the mirror at your innermost vulnerable self and ask, are you really ready for love or do you need to learn how to truly love yourself?

Love is

free and beautiful

Love is

peace and patience

Love is

all things good.

Until next time,

 

#bisexual beauty

As a child I was raised in the “chuuuurrrcchhh” and I endured hearing people that I knew, some I didn’t, tell me how God didn’t make people like me. I heard that I was flawed; a sinner and eventually I’d burn in hell for all eternity because this pretty little brown eyed girl chose to be gay.

        Realistically, I was born this way.

In my teenage years, I looked but didn’t touch. In my early 20s I developed stomach issues due to the fact that I yearned for women so much but would choose not to act on my desires and curiosities. I liked men, I loved women, and I wanted them both but very differently.

I didn’t make it out of my 20s before I began quenching my feline thirst. Even so, I wasn’t’ entirely comfy in my skin. The things I heard when I was young would play over and over in my head. I felt doomed although I was just being myself. When I was in relationships with men, I’d yearn for a woman. I’d think about women in the moments of self-pleasure and every so often otherwise. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong but I was still tormented.

Then something happened. And I believe that something was me saying, “Fuck it.” I began studying different spiritualties and I learned that there was a bigger picture than the one I grew up with. The world and God were much different than I had been taught. I began to accept the fact that I was different.

Truthfully, I’m still trying to comprehend it myself and honestly it’s a little hard for me to explain. In the past I’d feel like my skin was crawling if I was with a woman and dressed feminine. I’d feel out of place. I didn’t feel that way when with a man. It wasn’t until I was around 33 that I felt a little more comfortable dressing feminine while out with a woman. My closet used to look like a woman and a man had clothes in it but it was all just for me. The duality within me never felt stable.

I don’t date women and men at the same time. It’s too weird for me. I have to choose. I can’t do both. It feels like I have multiple personalities because I’m so different and I still haven’t figured out why. I’ve never cheated on a woman. I’ve cheated on almost every man I’ve been with. Who knows why?

My maternal family is very accepting and they’ve always been. Well my older brothers get grossed out when I see a beautiful girl before he does and I reply “Yeah I saw her already,” when he makes her existence known. For some reason he can say all kinds of stuff to me but he’s not comfortable with the vice versa. I get it though. I’m his little sister. He is in no way judgmental but it’s just different for him because it’s me. My guy cousins and my uncle say shit that grosses me out. They are way too comfortable. It’s like they’re happy I date women because they think I will find women for them. Lol, that’s not happening. My paternal family has disowned me. Not only have they distanced themselves from me but my daughter as well. Sigh.

For a long time, I didn’t like the term bisexual. I just didn’t think that I fit me. Besides, I don’t really like labels and my personality doesn’t fit into a little box no matter how pretty that box is decorated. I feel like the term “bisexual” is too generic for me. I prefer something like a Straight Lesbian.

Bi Myths:

· Bisexual  people are just greedy

· Bisexual people are not gay they are just confused… This is the most hurtful one.

· Bisexual people have it easy

· It’s just a phase

All of these make me shake my head because I don’t know about other people but being like this hasn’t been and isn’t easy. I can’t explain to you why I’m this way. I used to want to rip it out of me somehow because it was too complicated. I’ve lost my family. I miss them. They don’t understand so I guess they fear being around me. I used to hear my grandmother say, if you’re gay or Muslim I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I wouldn’t say anything. I was no longer a Christian but she didn’t know it. I was half gay and at that time she wasn’t aware of that either. To this day, I don’t know who told her or how she found out but I can tell you when because I haven’t heard from her or my father’s family since.

So now I’m 36 and I feel myself shifting. I look at men but soon after I become nauseated. This began about a month ago. I haven’t had good experiences with men but I don’t believe those experiences are causing this shift because I know there are good men in the world. I’m still attracted but that’s as far as it goes.

I won’t fight it, instead I embrace it. I welcome change.

Women? Now, THEY are a different story. My Taurus nostrils flare, my legs squeeze together and my right eye brow rises. I love women. I really don’t see how a person could not adore women. A woman is the most beautiful, shapely, unique being, the heavens have ever made. A woman’s curves, her lips, her moans, her smell, the way she can handle her own, overcome trials and tribulations in 6 inch stilettos with a baby bag and a briefcase at the same damn time continues to intrigue and entice me.

So this is my moment in transparency.

My time in triumph.

Through my experiences, others are gifted bravery 

and the rest my sweet little buttery nutts,

is HerSt♥ry!

 

Until next time,

Tiffany Michellé
Tiffanymichel-le.com

 

Dear John…

“To be at that inner place of complete peace, surrending silence and absolute love; you have to let go of your ego.”

Until we meet again loves,
Tiffany Michellè

Visit my official site and gain access to my book of motivational prose and inspiration, Between Me and You.

Photo Credit:
http://rebloggy.com/post/art-nirvana-water-nature-peace-meditation-yoga-chakras-cleansing-one-with-nature/41714853629

 

what’s #love got 2 do with it?

As we grow we should learn to accept the fact that people are allowed to choose what they want for their lives. It might not be the same decision that we would make but in that instant we must remind ourselves that we’re all different. Some of us want different things and because of that diversity, we make different choices. People chose to live for their own reasons. They chose their goals and their dreams and they’re permitted to select what they want and what they don’t, no matter how their choice might affect us.

In our last conversation over a year ago before I walked away, my father told me, “I love you daughter.” It was something he said every time we spoke and our conversation was coming to a close. But in his actions, he chooses not to be in my or my little brother’s life for reasons unknown – reasons of his own. Does that mean he doesn’t love us? I don’t know, honestly. The day I decided to heal from the pain, understanding was no longer my concern. I accepted the fact that his version of love isn’t mine.

We must respect the choices that people make with the understanding that it’s their life, not ours. You or I cannot paint a picture depicting what we want someone else’s love to look like and make it truth. How they choose to deliver it is up to them, we can only see what they give, decide if it matches ours and then choose if we want to receive it.

As we mature and experience life, our version of love changes like the weather. We meet people, we think we’re in love, it ends and we realize it was never love, just a very strong like. When we’re young, we love everyone. Then the world taints us, we experience pain and we become selective and protective.

If asked the definition of love, you could try your best to provide the most philosophical, intensely deep answer known to man but that answer would still only be your opinion, almost certainly based on your experiences. What does love look like to a girl whose mother has abused her since infancy? Does it look the same to a boy whose father devotedly cared for him all of his life? What about the girl who fell in love with a man who later broke her heart? What does love look like to her? Most likely her definition will be based on the timing in which you asked – before or after the heartache.

I have no idea what love is to you, her, him or anyone else; what I do know is…

“People will show you all kinds of confusing depictions of love therefore concurrently you must know without a doubt what it means to you. You need to be conscious of what it feels like, what it looks like, what it tastes like, what it smells like and what it sounds like to you. After you decide it’s meaning with everything within your being, you must stand firm on that belief consistently, like breathing.”

Until we meet again,

Almostdating007

 

Douche bags, cock suckers, math and shit☺

You’re frustrated and everyone you’ve met in regard to dating has been a douche bag (my 2^nd favorite word, after cock sucker). So now you’re done! Your mouth says, you’d rather stay single than to keep going through the bullshit! You’re mad, you don’t feel appreciated, you’re misunderstood and you feel like all of the good people in the world must be married, gay or in prison, Sound about right?

Well let’s see if I can help you gain a renewed perspective without hurting your little feelings.

As always to give you a little cushion as I like to do, I’ll begin with me. After years and years of dating the wrong people, I was emotionally exhausted. I had enough. I took a moment to sit down and I thought about my dating life. I thought about all of the decisions I made in my past in regard to people I dated and in that instant, a light bulb went off. The inner voice in my head said…

No matter how mad this made my ego, my inner voice was right. I wouldn’t have been able to see or admit that to myself if I allowed myself to still be in the midst of the bullshit. But by that time I had removed myself. Don’t get me wrong, I was still angry. I was mad, I felt unappreciated and misunderstood and I began to believe that all the good people were either married, gay or in jail.

My inner guide (or whatever you choose to call it) was trying to get me to see that my major issue wasn’t the douche bags. My main issue was that for whatever reason, I picked them. In what I now call the ultimate surrender, I had to admit that the issue was me.

Now by no means am I saying that it’s ok to cheat, belittle, be selfish and treat people inappropriately. The douche bag cock suckers were wrong too. But their issues weren’t about me. Their issues were about them. If I hadn’t picked them, their actions wouldn’t have affected me.

So what I needed was the reasoning. Why did I continue to settle for people who didn’t deserve me? I was smart, beautiful, had big goals, grand aspirations and the determination to achieve it all but I’d date guys that sold drugs as their main “jobs,” guys who dropped out of high school and had no plans of completing their education, guys who were mean and angry and guys who cheated habitually. Now I’m not judging, everyone has their own journey but these were individuals who just didn’t match me.

So with all this being said, let me ask you something sweetie. Does this hit home for you? Are you a current dater hater because you are the common denominator?

(Puts hand under chin, cocks head to the right, lifts both eyebrows and patiently waits for an answer)

Until we meet again sweet sexy thangs,

Almostdating007

 

Subjective Journey…

In the past three hundred and sixty one days I’ve learned that…

The Unhealed will hurt me only if I allow them to

Lies will run to avoid the Truth

My energy is captivating but that doesn’t mean they are ready to receive me

The Universe does exactly what I ask it to do; it protects me even when my ego doesn’t want it to

My intuition is the best companion for this journey

The feeling I get in my chest when deception is near isn’t an indication that I’m not healed, instead it’s a gift. It forewarns me that my heart’s best isn’t their interest

People are scared to feel

There’s nothing wrong with the silence, it’s how I deal

This isn’t my 1^st lifetime and I’ve learned the most in this one

The small star in my dreams is my son

My soul’s mission is bigger than the human things I desire in my life

Validation doesn’t come from being a man’s wife

Smiling is not a form of true happiness

Words without action are worthless

People will voluntarily reveal their weaknesses

In order to really understand others, it’s best to remain quiet

I wouldn’t mind living alone with the trees

No matter how much I hold on, I can detach just as easily

I’m ok with it just Being me.

© 2014 Tiffany Michellé

 

 

 

This shit ain’t easy…

“NO, NO, NO! I got it all wrong! I take it all back…”

That’s what I wanted to say. Everything I said in Loving me was true. In that moment I didn’t care, I was hurt that the words I spoke yesterday took him away. Even if taking it all back was a lie, if it promised to take away this feeling, I would have said it anyway.

Let me ask you a question: How do you break up before you’ve even had the chance to get anything started? We weren’t even technically in a relationship but my heart feels like the awfully dear departed.

Yesterday, I blogged about some very private and painful experiences that have occurred in my life. I wasn’t asking for any sympathy, my point was to share what caused me to begin this journey of self-discovery. I wasn’t concerned about the feedback. I didn’t write it for that. I did care about how it would affect the thoughts of one person in particular. I wondered if he’d see me differently.

Before yesterday I’d never spoken some of the things I wrote. I cried while writing some parts. In order to think of everything that happened; I had to take my mind back to those times and no matter how I didn’t want it to, my heart followed.

From the day I created this blog, I’ve made it a point to not write about the gentlemen for who I really cared. Although I say a lot in this blog, I still like to keep some things private. Sometimes I write about situations after the fact. There hasn’t been many who I haven’t written about because there haven’t been many that I deeply cared about. The ones who knew, after I shared its existence, I regretted it. I like to feel like I can always be myself but I also care about other people’s feelings. I never want someone I truly care about to feel like I am putting our relationship out in the streets. (For those of you who are slang illiterate that means telling all of your business.) When I was seeing someone who knew about the blog, I found myself hesitating to be myself in my writing. I felt like I had to walk on pens and needles just to pacify him. I didn’t like that feeling. I wouldn’t do very well in prison, I was born in the year of the horse and my Venus is in Gemini, I don’t like to feel confined, especially when I write.

It seems like we’ve been handed fairytales since we were little. The knight in the shining armor will come and rescue the princess. Some of us are still damsels in distress sitting and waiting in the tower of our hearts. In the meantime we are getting older and if we aren’t in a certain place within ourselves, our hearts are growing colder and colder.

The day before the post, he told me that he might have stumbled up on his keeper, referring to me. He said that the words I spoke yesterday caused him to look within his self, he felt differently. His mouth said he prefers to be alone and to keep his heart on a shelf. Last week he showed my picture to his friends. We sat, laughed, talked, shared our intentions and spoke of family and future plans. He put me in the “hot seat,” requesting all sorts of information. This was the first time anyone had done that. I was excited because it really felt like he wanted to get to know me. You should’ve heard his joy in his voice when he received some of my responses being that they were so similar to his. From the first moment I saw him a year ago, I wanted to know him, until recently I had only known him from a distance. Our preferences matching were purely “coincidence.”

How could he not know he wasn’t ready? Why would he allow himself to carry on in such ways? He acted like he was really happy in his moments with me. How could he just throw that all away in a day? He drew me into his world. I wasn’t asking for it. He invited me. He shared that I pulled his gravity. But something I said yesterday made him click, I’m not even sure which part in particular pushed him away from me.

The day I began this blog, it didn’t take me long to come up with its name. In matters of the heart, my love is so strong if we were speaking of sex, it’d be a premature ejaculator. So the phrase “premature dater” suited me. In the past when I met someone I would settle, telling myself that I could look past the fact that he wasn’t the ideal mate for me. I would rush into it and then end up being unhappy. Nowadays when I recognize that his ways and energy don’t affect me positively, I let him go speedily. But I didn’t have to lie to myself with him. His truth self was so happy, funny, culturally diverse, responsible, loving, pleasing, witty, beautiful, soul levitating, breathtaking and so fitting. My soul fell in love with his quickly…

Almostdating007

 

#MoveOnL♥Ve

Often when we experience pain in relationships, we close our hearts, allowing them to remain dormant while our feelings exist in fear. We must understand that when we continue to love the love that hurts, we push away the loving & nurturing possibilities that await us. Open up your heart, allow your healing to begin and love the love that loves you back.

Until we meet again lovebugs,

Almostdating007

 

Under-Estimated

Wouldn’t you rather dig through the hurt in order to find something good than to exist in the pain, continuing to live out the symptoms of it? Unhappiness-Depression-Bad Relationships-Low Self Esteem. Healing is never overrated, even if the power within you has been Underestimated.

Until Next Time my sweets,

Almostdating007

 

And I’d say …

Above all trust yourself, your true self. the one that yearns for you to not only give but to receive love. to love to your highest heights, to love with ease. To cure the dis-ease of your past, to find the only love that lasts beyond the love from anyone else, the love within yourSelf.

 

Until next time my loves,

AlmostDating007