As a child I was raised in the “chuuuurrrcchhh” and I endured hearing people that I knew, some I didn’t, tell me how God didn’t make people like me. I heard that I was flawed; a sinner and eventually I’d burn in hell for all eternity because this pretty little brown eyed girl chose to be gay.
Realistically, I was born this way.
In my teenage years, I looked but didn’t touch. In my early 20s I developed stomach issues due to the fact that I yearned for women so much but would choose not to act on my desires and curiosities. I liked men, I loved women, and I wanted them both but very differently.
I didn’t make it out of my 20s before I began quenching my feline thirst. Even so, I wasn’t’ entirely comfy in my skin. The things I heard when I was young would play over and over in my head. I felt doomed although I was just being myself. When I was in relationships with men, I’d yearn for a woman. I’d think about women in the moments of self-pleasure and every so often otherwise. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong but I was still tormented.
Then something happened. And I believe that something was me saying, “Fuck it.” I began studying different spiritualties and I learned that there was a bigger picture than the one I grew up with. The world and God were much different than I had been taught. I began to accept the fact that I was different.
Truthfully, I’m still trying to comprehend it myself and honestly it’s a little hard for me to explain. In the past I’d feel like my skin was crawling if I was with a woman and dressed feminine. I’d feel out of place. I didn’t feel that way when with a man. It wasn’t until I was around 33 that I felt a little more comfortable dressing feminine while out with a woman. My closet used to look like a woman and a man had clothes in it but it was all just for me. The duality within me never felt stable.
I don’t date women and men at the same time. It’s too weird for me. I have to choose. I can’t do both. It feels like I have multiple personalities because I’m so different and I still haven’t figured out why. I’ve never cheated on a woman. I’ve cheated on almost every man I’ve been with. Who knows why?
My maternal family is very accepting and they’ve always been. Well my older brothers get grossed out when I see a beautiful girl before he does and I reply “Yeah I saw her already,” when he makes her existence known. For some reason he can say all kinds of stuff to me but he’s not comfortable with the vice versa. I get it though. I’m his little sister. He is in no way judgmental but it’s just different for him because it’s me. My guy cousins and my uncle say shit that grosses me out. They are way too comfortable. It’s like they’re happy I date women because they think I will find women for them. Lol, that’s not happening. My paternal family has disowned me. Not only have they distanced themselves from me but my daughter as well. Sigh.
For a long time, I didn’t like the term bisexual. I just didn’t think that I fit me. Besides, I don’t really like labels and my personality doesn’t fit into a little box no matter how pretty that box is decorated. I feel like the term “bisexual” is too generic for me. I prefer something like a Straight Lesbian.
· Bisexual people are just greedy
· Bisexual people are not gay they are just confused… This is the most hurtful one.
· Bisexual people have it easy
· It’s just a phase
All of these make me shake my head because I don’t know about other people but being like this hasn’t been and isn’t easy. I can’t explain to you why I’m this way. I used to want to rip it out of me somehow because it was too complicated. I’ve lost my family. I miss them. They don’t understand so I guess they fear being around me. I used to hear my grandmother say, if you’re gay or Muslim I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I wouldn’t say anything. I was no longer a Christian but she didn’t know it. I was half gay and at that time she wasn’t aware of that either. To this day, I don’t know who told her or how she found out but I can tell you when because I haven’t heard from her or my father’s family since.
So now I’m 36 and I feel myself shifting. I look at men but soon after I become nauseated. This began about a month ago. I haven’t had good experiences with men but I don’t believe those experiences are causing this shift because I know there are good men in the world. I’m still attracted but that’s as far as it goes.
I won’t fight it, instead I embrace it. I welcome change.
Women? Now, THEY are a different story. My Taurus nostrils flare, my legs squeeze together and my right eye brow rises. I love women. I really don’t see how a person could not adore women. A woman is the most beautiful, shapely, unique being, the heavens have ever made. A woman’s curves, her lips, her moans, her smell, the way she can handle her own, overcome trials and tribulations in 6 inch stilettos with a baby bag and a briefcase at the same damn time continues to intrigue and entice me.
So this is my moment in transparency.
My time in triumph.
Through my experiences, others are gifted bravery
and the rest my sweet little buttery nutts,
Until next time,