#707 Shift Happens

I’m currently reading one of my favorite books for the 3^rd time, The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz. I highly recommend it to anyone who desires to see a heightened and an effective perspective about love of self and others.

In the chapter, entitled The Wounded Mind, a question is posed,

“How can you relate with people who are emotionally wounded and sick with fear?”

This question never stuck out to me in my previous reads as it did today. The word relationship derives from the word relate, meaning to interact realistically and/or an ability to relate emotionally to others.

Let’s venture off for just a moment…

Earlier this year, I began to experience a shift. As a person who consistently felt as if the cosmos was pulling me into relationship after relationship, imagine my surprise when I began to have no desire to “relate” with men. Every time I pictured being with a man, I would experience immediate nausea (it still happens). One would think because I’m bisexual this wouldn’t bother me but I began to feel very afraid. Perhaps this was my inner self somehow indicating that I no longer desired men and therefore I’d solely desire women. That would be ok for some but not for me. See, I like options; I always have. Although being attracted to both sexes has been strenuous at times, I love the way I am. I feel perfectly balanced. I like the way I help others gain perspective being that I’m so open, nonjudgmental and unbiased.

As a conscious person, I seldom go outside of myself for answers. I tend to go within to seek answers in regard to my emotions, thoughts and my actions. So instead of continuing to be scared without taking action, I began to self-analyze.

A Conversation with self:

Self: When did this begin?

Me: After the last relationship ended.

Self: But even after the relationship ended you had to have had a slight sexual desire for men because you participated in a single sextracurricular activity.

Me: After that, I felt NOTHING.

What the hell was going on? Why was I going through this?

After a while, I just accepted it. I’d see attractive people and my spidey senses would tingle but the nausea would come immediately after. Imagine my dismay; imagine the mayhem going on inside of my mind and my body. I felt like I’d been bamboozled, run amuck, we didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us! (If you don’t know that line, #killyoself)

Alright so let’s go back to the question:

“How can you relate with people who are emotionally wounded and sick with fear?”

Nothing in regard to dating made 100% sense during this shift. But the moment I read that question, clarity rang from the heavens. I am not single because I’m not attractive, intimidating, too picky, undeserving, too big, too little, too black, too tall, too smart or too different. After I read that question, it was simple. I am single because the people I meet relate to things that are for entertainment purposes only; things that lack meaning. Most of the guys haven’t been thinkers or readers. They’re caught up in the illusion and completed distracted. Growth to them isn’t about self-love, self-reliance, introspection and etc. Being successful is equated to how much money they have, how many women they can have sex with, how big their houses are and what kind of car they drive; without these things, they feel like they are nothing. I am single because I can’t relate.

I now know that this wasn’t a sexual shift I’ve been experiencing. This is much more than my getting nauseated at the thought of relations with a man. This was about my being so disgusted by my past counterparts who were emotionally wounded and sick with fear that I unknowingly developed a psychosomatic defense mechanism. The nausea was a safeguard. As I think back and am truly honest, I fell weak after my last relationship. I sunk very low within myself. Something within me had to protect me until I could do it on my own. I am now emotionally healed and I live fearlessly once again.

Until next time,

Tiffany

 

They might just be blind as #@!$

Some shit just doesn’t work out. Every relationship isn’t meant to go on forever. Sometimes experiences occur solely to teach us something about ourselves. It doesn’t meant you need to question your self-worth. You’re enough, but you must believe it.  

Until next time my sweet little suga dumplings,
Tiffany Michellé

 

Fucktard!!!! I couldn’t think of anything else…

The moment when you realize your relationship is over is a crucial one. In that moment, there are a few options available that a lot of people neglect to consciously make a well thought decision about. Most people decide their post relationship actions based off of their emotions. Some sadly attempt to continue the relationship when their partner has repeatedly hurt them or expressed they’re no longer interested in the relationship, hoping and wishing that things will change. Some people leave but aim to get revenge #seektherapyuracreeper or they peruse around giving up the goods to every Tom, Dick and Harriet they meet. While others go into a shell and close themselves off or they date other people in lightning speed, neglecting to heal, hurting other people because of their own pain.

For a girl like me, there are only a couple options available: I can learn to appreciate the experience, receive whatever lessons need to be learned and quickly jump back on the saddle  or

Although the breakup occurred a few days ago, I’d been acting as if I was indifferent about it. Yesterday during the morning hours I was feeling great! I thought about what I needed to learn from the experience and a little bird must’ve chirped to a few folks that I was newly single because my phone began to ring more than it had been. I put my ego on and jumped into flirt mode.

The illusion of bliss was short lived. Later that afternoon it hit me that I’d already bought my plane ticket to visit and the rental car was booked. Since we were no longer an item, I’d need the car longer and I’d have to pay for all of my travel fees, a hotel and etc.  I don’t really know anyone there. The city where I spent most of my younger years is close by but it’s beyond boring, there’s not much for a Vegas girl to do and it’s super humid there. And to be honest, it’s like red neck country. Grrrrrrrrr, I sat in front of my laptop pondering. What do I do? Do I really desire to spend my vacation in the country with locusts, mosquitoes and confederate flags? Do I just say fuck it and go alone anyway? I could’ve remained in the world of many unanswered questions but I decided to do what I do best: Make the best out of the situation.

Ring…Ring…Ring…Welcome to Southwest Airlines, this is Susie how may I help you?

Hmmm… Well for starters, I’d like around $75,000 to pay off my school loans, a 2014 BMW 850 Grand Coupe, a maid with long legs, nice curves and a Brazilian accent and endless shots of Vodka, hold the chaser.

 

 

 

She was obviously unwilling to assist me with any of what I thought were totally reasonable requests so instead I asked her to update my destination to another place. After the call was over, I felt relieved, I began to make plans for my new trip and things were looking up.

While I was in the shower all of the optimism I had while inhaling the bitter sweet haze of being single again, went down the drain. The steam brought in something unexpected, my chest began to get heavy and I began to FEEL.

THIS WAS MY MOMENT

Oh shit!

I’m on the rebound!

I can’t start dating anyone.

I don’t know what I want.

Do I want to stay single?

What if I start dating someone and I hurt them because I am not sure?

I can’t think about focusing on someone else yet.

My feelings are hurt.

Earlier I stated:

“For a girl like me, there are only a couple options available: I can learn to appreciate the experience, receive whatever lessons need to be learned and quickly jump back on the saddle or ????”

When my mind quieted and the questions silenced, I decided that my “or ????” was to take the  time I need to breathe, grow through this and decide what I want for myself in regard to relationships. I’m quite sure after my lil ole heart is good again, I’ll be back to being Almostdating007. Maybe…

Until next time my sweet little butter nipples,

Tiffany Michellé

 

Breaking Up: The Blame Game

Breakups happen and there’s really nothing anyone can do about that. People rush into relationships based on how they feel about the person physically. People get into relationships prior to getting over others. People get into relationships before they’re ready to sacrifice being with other lovers. No matter the origin, when it’s over, it’s over; no matter who’s to blame.

Before I began this conscious journey of self-discovery, when I’d experience a breakup even if the guy was completely wrong, somehow secretly I’d blame it all on me. I knew I was a good person and in most things I did, I meant well but in the back of my heart, I’d tend to think he acted the way he did because He didn’t see me…

Most of the guys I’ve dated in my distant past were douche bags so if they didn’t take the time and effort to see the truly beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving, thoughtful, wonderful, sexy Me, why in the hell did I care? Why would I look down on myself? Well back then I was unaware that not seeing me was a commonality he and I shared.

Back then I didn’t see myself. Emotionally I was unhealed. If you read Loving Me, you’ll recall with most of these guys my heart was looking for the love I didn’t get from my daddy. So even when I’d get so hurt to where I felt like I couldn’t take anymore, he’d come crawling back saying all the “right” things and I’d open the damn door!

When your heart is unhealed, you live in little illusions and you don’t truly see shit for what it is, you see it for what you think it could be. So in my head, I was thinking he’d change, if he would only see me…not understanding that he didn’t even see his self.

A lot of people do this: We think when people see how good of a person we are, they’ll change their negative ways. But that’s a fallacy, it’s not reality. If anyone changes, they need to change for themselves and in their own space and time. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, gifted, if you shit gold bricks or if you can tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue (I can do that btw, wink wink Sweetie), if he’s a dick that’s what he’s going to be, a dick. No matter how handsome you are, if you have a platinum penis, or if you wine and dine her, if her heart isn’t in the right place; she won’t change for you either.

Most times the way people act have nothing to do with you. There are millions of unhealed people walking this earth. A lot of them are still negatively affected by what their parents did or didn’t do. People are afraid to admit to themselves that they are hurting so why would they admit it to you. Most don’t even understand the emotions going on within them. So when the old pain is triggered, they blame it on you. They don’t want to heal or don’t understand that they need to. Introspection takes courage and besides that’s too much work. So hey here’s an easier route, let’s make you responsible for their lack of happiness and their issues.

I just saw a light bulb in someone’s mind go off. Does this sound like someone you know or is it you? Who needs a therapist when you’ve got me? F that, buy my book! ☺

But really, if they don’t appreciate who you are, sweetie you have to move on. You can’t just sit around waiting for them to change. Hurting people hurt people. Sounds clichè but its true…

And if you’re the one that’s doing the damage, you’ve got some work to do. If you continue to believe that you lack something you’ll remain unaware that the things you seek cannot be found in someone else. You’ll continue to play the blame game, blaming yourself for other people’s pain or blaming them for the healing absent within yourself.

But when you know better, you do better and the more you look within yourself, you’ll come to find that everything you need to be a better you is within you, you just have to be brave enough to look. If your intentions are good and your heart is true, the Universe will bless you with someone who deserves you. If you don’t believe me, buy my book. It says this too and we all know that everything in books is the TRUTH ☺.

Until we meet again my loves,

Almostdating007

(Photo Credit, Sexy Lightbulb: JG-Edits)