Rule #5 – Don’t be a homophobic b!tch

the background

So I got back on the dating scene about a month ago. Although my wants have changed, no longer desiring a serious relationship, the buffoonery of the dating scene is the same.

the scene

Ring…Ring.

Almostdating007: hey you, what’s up?

him: hey gorgeous, wyd?

Almostdating007: hanging out with my cousin.

him: that’s what up. well I’m off today and I’m barbecuing. why don’t you come over?

Almostdating007: alright cool, I’m omw.

Mind you, this is my 1^st time meeting this guy. I pull into his apartment building which I notice is a little hood but I give him a complimentary pass because I understand shit happens. I text him, “I’m here” and he comes outside. Luckily he looked like his picture with the exception of THE slight I’ve been catfished BELLY he had going on. I stepped through his door and I am standing in the threshold of some serious disappointing shit.

5 Dating Etiquette Tips for Guys

Let us begin:

• Clean the f word up! – I understand that a man’s space is his cave and he has been approved to do whatever the hell he wants in it.
  • But if you invite a woman over, understand that you have to at least fake it until you make it. Clean up the bachelor pad. I’m not saying it has to be spotless but if a girl feels like she needs a toilet seat cover to use your bathroom, something is seriously wrong.
• Everyone is not a carnivore – Plan ahead
  • If you want to impress a woman by inviting her over so you can cook for her, plan ahead. Ask her what she likes to eat. Don’t just assume she eats everything. And when you say you’re barbecuing, know that she’s assuming you’re going to have more food than just chicken. Where are the sides? Can a bitch get some potato salad or at least some macaroni? Damn! I’m thirsty!
• To be or not to be – Yourself
  • When a dating questionnaire asks you if you smoke, know that the question is most likely referring to cigarettes not weed, crack or heroine. If you smoke, be honest and indicate, “Yes.” A girl who thinks all your information is true on your dating profile, shouldn’t walk into a freaking second hand smoke fest with you standing smack dap in the middle of it.
• Don’t be a cheap skate – broke a$$
  • When you cook for a woman, especially if it’s your 1^st date, she shouldn’t have to pay for shit but if she’s nice, she’ll ask if she should bring anything. If you respond, “Yeah, some laundry detergent.” Slap yourself! It’s your 1^st date dude; she isn’t your girlfriend or your wife. You should’ve picked that up when you were buying those cheap ass drumsticks and she’s a pescetarian!
• Don’t be a homophobic bitch!
  • Expressing how disgusted you are by gay people probably isn’t smart when talking to someone you don’t really know. Particularly when the person is bisexual and has gay friends and family. (Me! Me! Me!)
    • Side note: this guy who I thought was very masculine walked outside to throw a chicken bone in the complex trash can (weird b/c he had a trash can in his house). All of a sudden, he begins walking with a switch in his walk looking sweeter than a honey bee sucking on a queen bee’s titty. Umm wait what? I didn’t get the memo. Does your boy toy stay around here and you’re secretly giving him a show or something? Are you disgusted with gays because you’re too chicken shit to come out of the closet? Wth was all that about?

After his open display of confusing homophobic tendencies, I couldn’t take it anymore. I texted my cousin and asked him to call me in 5 minutes and fake like he had an emergency. When I was getting into my car, he says please don’t forget to call me. I laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

Until next time my sweet little pleasure holes,

Tiffany Michellé aka Almostdating007

 

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