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Rule #5 – Don’t be a homophobic b!tch

the background

So I got back on the dating scene about a month ago. Although my wants have changed, no longer desiring a serious relationship, the buffoonery of the dating scene is the same.

the scene

Ring…Ring.

Almostdating007: hey you, what’s up?

him: hey gorgeous, wyd?

Almostdating007: hanging out with my cousin.

him: that’s what up. well I’m off today and I’m barbecuing. why don’t you come over?

Almostdating007: alright cool, I’m omw.

Mind you, this is my 1st time meeting this guy. I pull into his apartment building which I notice is a little hood but I give him a complimentary pass because I understand shit happens. I text him, “I’m here” and he comes outside. Luckily he looked like his picture with the exception of THE slight I’ve been catfished BELLY he had going on. I stepped through his door and I am standing in the threshold of some serious disappointing shit.

5 Dating Etiquette Tips for Guys

Let us begin:

  • Clean the f word up! – I understand that a man’s space is his cave and he has been approved to do whatever the hell he wants in it.
    • But if you invite a woman over, understand that you have to at least fake it until you make it. Clean up the bachelor pad. I’m not saying it has to be spotless but if a girl feels like she needs a toilet seat cover to use your bathroom, something is seriously wrong.
  • Everyone is not a carnivore – Plan ahead
    • If you want to impress a woman by inviting her over so you can cook for her, plan ahead. Ask her what she likes to eat. Don’t just assume she eats everything. And when you say you’re barbecuing, know that she’s assuming you’re going to have more food than just chicken. Where are the sides? Can a bitch get some potato salad or at least some macaroni? Damn! I’m thirsty!
  • To be or not to be – Yourself
    • When a dating questionnaire asks you if you smoke, know that the question is most likely referring to cigarettes not weed, crack or heroine. If you smoke, be honest and indicate, “Yes.” A girl who thinks all your information is true on your dating profile, shouldn’t walk into a freaking second hand smoke fest with you standing smack dap in the middle of it.
  • Don’t be a cheap skate – broke a$$
    • When you cook for a woman, especially if it’s your 1st date, she shouldn’t have to pay for shit but if she’s nice, she’ll ask if she should bring anything. If you respond, “Yeah, some laundry detergent.” Slap yourself! It’s your 1st date dude; she isn’t your girlfriend or your wife. You should’ve picked that up when you were buying those cheap ass drumsticks and she’s a pescetarian!
  • Don’t be a homophobic bitch!
    • Expressing how disgusted you are by gay people probably isn’t smart when talking to someone you don’t really know. Particularly when the person is bisexual and has gay friends and family. (Me! Me! Me!)
      • Side note: this guy who I thought was very masculine walked outside to throw a chicken bone in the complex trash can (weird b/c he had a trash can in his house). All of a sudden, he begins walking with a switch in his walk looking sweeter than a honey bee sucking on a queen bee’s titty. Umm wait what? I didn’t get the memo. Does your boy toy stay around here and you’re secretly giving him a show or something? Are you disgusted with gays because you’re too chicken shit to come out of the closet? Wth was all that about?

After his open display of confusing homophobic tendencies, I couldn’t take it anymore. I texted my cousin and asked him to call me in 5 minutes and fake like he had an emergency. When I was getting into my car, he says please don’t forget to call me. I laughed.

youaresodumb

 

 

 

 

 

Until next time my sweet little pleasure holes,

Tiffany Michellé aka Almostdating007

 

Click here to visit my author page

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Posted by on June 24, 2015 in Dating, Life

 

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#bisexual beauty

As a child I was raised in the “chuuuurrrcchhh” and I endured hearing people that I knew, some I didn’t, tell me how God didn’t make people like me. I heard that I was flawed; a sinner and eventually I’d burn in hell for all eternity because this pretty little brown eyed girl chose to be gay.

image

        Realistically, I was born this way.

In my teenage years, I looked but didn’t touch. In my early 20s I developed stomach issues due to the fact that I yearned for women so much but would choose not to act on my desires and curiosities. I liked men, I loved women, and I wanted them both but very differently.

I didn’t make it out of my 20s before I began quenching my feline thirst. Even so, I wasn’t’ entirely comfy in my skin. The things I heard when I was young would play over and over in my head. I felt doomed although I was just being myself. When I was in relationships with men, I’d yearn for a woman. I’d think about women in the moments of self-pleasure and every so often otherwise. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong but I was still tormented.

Then something happened. And I believe that something was me saying, “Fuck it.” I began studying different spiritualties and I learned that there was a bigger picture than the one I grew up with. The world and God were much different than I had been taught. I began to accept the fact that I was different.

Truthfully, I’m still trying to comprehend it myself and honestly it’s a little hard for me to explain. In the past I’d feel like my skin was crawling if I was with a woman and dressed feminine. I’d feel out of place. I didn’t feel that way when with a man. It wasn’t until I was around 33 that I felt a little more comfortable dressing feminine while out with a woman. My closet used to look like a woman and a man had clothes in it but it was all just for me. The duality within me never felt stable.

I don’t date women and men at the same time. It’s too weird for me. I have to choose. I can’t do both. It feels like I have multiple personalities because I’m so different and I still haven’t figured out why. I’ve never cheated on a woman. I’ve cheated on almost every man I’ve been with. Who knows why?

My maternal family is very accepting and they’ve always been. Well my older brothers get grossed out when I see a beautiful girl before he does and I reply “Yeah I saw her already,” when he makes her existence known. For some reason he can say all kinds of stuff to me but he’s not comfortable with the vice versa. I get it though. I’m his little sister. He is in no way judgmental but it’s just different for him because it’s me. My guy cousins and my uncle say shit that grosses me out. They are way too comfortable. It’s like they’re happy I date women because they think I will find women for them. Lol, that’s not happening. My paternal family has disowned me. Not only have they distanced themselves from me but my daughter as well. Sigh.

For a long time, I didn’t like the term bisexual. I just didn’t think that I fit me. Besides, I don’t really like labels and my personality doesn’t fit into a little box no matter how pretty that box is decorated. I feel like the term “bisexual” is too generic for me. I prefer something like a Straight Lesbian.

Bi Myths:

· Bisexual  people are just greedy

· Bisexual people are not gay they are just confused… This is the most hurtful one.

· Bisexual people have it easy

· It’s just a phase

All of these make me shake my head because I don’t know about other people but being like this hasn’t been and isn’t easy. I can’t explain to you why I’m this way. I used to want to rip it out of me somehow because it was too complicated. I’ve lost my family. I miss them. They don’t understand so I guess they fear being around me. I used to hear my grandmother say, if you’re gay or Muslim I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I wouldn’t say anything. I was no longer a Christian but she didn’t know it. I was half gay and at that time she wasn’t aware of that either. To this day, I don’t know who told her or how she found out but I can tell you when because I haven’t heard from her or my father’s family since.

So now I’m 36 and I feel myself shifting. I look at men but soon after I become nauseated. This began about a month ago. I haven’t had good experiences with men but I don’t believe those experiences are causing this shift because I know there are good men in the world. I’m still attracted but that’s as far as it goes.

I won’t fight it, instead I embrace it. I welcome change.

Women? Now, THEY are a different story. My Taurus nostrils flare, my legs squeeze together and my right eye brow rises. I love women. I really don’t see how a person could not adore women. A woman is the most beautiful, shapely, unique being, the heavens have ever made. A woman’s curves, her lips, her moans, her smell, the way she can handle her own, overcome trials and tribulations in 6 inch stilettos with a baby bag and a briefcase at the same damn time continues to intrigue and entice me.

So this is my moment in transparency.

My time in triumph.

Through my experiences, others are gifted bravery 

and the rest my sweet little buttery nutts,

is HerSt♥ry!

 

Until next time,

Tiffany Michellé
Tiffanymichel-le.com

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2015 in Dating, Life, Love

 

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