The other day I was conversing with an ex via text. I always hear of him because we share a mutual love, a teenage daughter but we hadn’t spoken in a long while and for good reason. After I experienced my most recent break up, I picked up a book I’d read during the relationship and I loved it so much I desired to read it again. It caresses my heart so much and provides beautiful perspective. This time around my reading it was even more fulfilling than the first time but there was one issue. While reading it, my ex (aka the baby’s daddy) kept popping up in my head.
So I saw that as a sign. Not as a sign that I wanted him back, no way! I saw it as a sign that I should send him the book. At that time I recalled that my daughter wanted to send him some pictures so that gave me a reason to ask for the address.
Let me back up and explain why we broke up for the final time. I was unhappy in the relationship for a long time. I would leave, only to feel guilty from feeling like I abandoned him (he’s incarcerated and his release date is currently unknown) and I’d go back. This damaging cycle went on for 8 years in 2 different states. Finally after I conjured up enough self-love, I left. I found happiness in my decision, he found bitterness.
So I texted him during the day and he sent me the address without an issue. I don’t recall why but later that night we began texting, nothing flirtatious just talking.
Side note: I do consider myself to be a flirtatious person and all of my close friends will second that notion but flirting with someone I don’t know is much more pleasurable for me. The catch is more of a challenge and sometimes I like to flirt for sport. I just can’t help myself which is probably why I should stay single lol. Just yesterday a young man told me that he liked my swag so much he’d allow me to take him in the most sinful “catholic priest” way and I hadn’t even flirted with him. He was turned on just by watching me in action with the ladies. Hey what can I say, when you got it, you just got it. Ok let me stop popping my own collar and get back to the freaking story lol.
So every time we talk my ex always has to bring up what he thinks went wrong with our relationship. He makes it a point to mention what he thinks are my faults. And if he doesn’t do that he says certain things with a condescending tone which is what he did this time. For example, even though he says my relationship adventures are none of his business and he doesn’t care, when I told him that I sent him the book, the 1st thing he said was, ”What would your boyfriend think about that?” In my head I was thinking, dude if you don’t care why are you asking. When I responded that we broke up and that I learned from experience that I actually enjoy being single, he replied, “Everyone says that after a breakup.” I explained that I was saying it in a good way and that I felt complete within myself. I said if I decide to get into another relationship, it will be complimentary and not mandatory. He replied, “If you say so.” (SMH) He said other pompous statements in regard to my emotional progress but I won’t bore you with those.
In the past his words and tone would’ve gotten to me. My feelings would’ve been hurt, as well as my belly from the tension and I would’ve done my absolute dysfunctional best to convince him of the progress within myself.
BUT ONE DAY, I REMINDED MYSELF THAT I NO LONGER HAD ANYTHING TO PROVE.
I felt no tension, no guilt; no emotional pain…all I felt was joy and relief! I cannot describe to you how free I felt. Even when he said, “Tiff, I don’t see you any kind of way.” I just shrugged my shoulders, laughed quietly and smiled to myself. At that point no matter how much he tried to convince me with his ego that he was over the past, his pain told me another story. It told me that he wasn’t healed, he numbed. He stuffed the pain he had whether it was justified or not, he hadn’t healed from it. I knew that because he felt the need to say hurtful things and it was obviously that he couldn’t release me with love. The time I was there for him and the positive things I did for him and our relationship didn’t matter. He refused to see the good in the experience because he was blinded with selfishness.
I felt sorry for him at that point. Although my sympathy was short lived, it did exist for a moment. In that moment I recalled that it was his emotional journey and that I was not responsible for helping him with it directly. My sending the book was my indirect help and that is where my assistance would end.
The next morning, a phrase came to mind, “hurting people hurt people.” I never get tired of hearing this universal truth because it says so much with just those simple and few words. The phrase gives us direction if we’re paying attention.
Often when we meet people and they either tell us of their pain or we can see it, we jump to the rescue like we’re responsible for saving them. But we only end up hurting ourselves in the process. Our happiness is placed on the backburner because we make their pain our pain and we begin to neglect ourselves. We aren’t aware that we aren’t responsible for saving them. For some reason we’ve been convinced that we can fix other people’s emotional hang ups with our love but that’s not true. True healing and forgiveness comes from self-love. The more love you have for yourself, the quicker you heal, the easier it is to forgive yourself and others and you recognize when someone is toxic. We aren’t accountable for healing people just as they aren’t accountable for healing us. Everyone has their own emotional journey and we’re only responsible for our half of any relationship. When you make their journey, your journey you cheat them out of growing through the experience in order to find the lesson.
If you are suffering in a relationship with a hurting person or you’re that hurting person, it’s time to make a change, not within that person but within You.
Until we meet again my lovely suckas,