“NO, NO, NO! I got it all wrong! I take it all back…”
That’s what I wanted to say. Everything I said in Loving me was true. In that moment I didn’t care, I was hurt that the words I spoke yesterday took him away. Even if taking it all back was a lie, if it promised to take away this feeling, I would have said it anyway.
Let me ask you a question: How do you break up before you’ve even had the chance to get anything started? We weren’t even technically in a relationship but my heart feels like the awfully dear departed.
Yesterday, I blogged about some very private and painful experiences that have occurred in my life. I wasn’t asking for any sympathy, my point was to share what caused me to begin this journey of self-discovery. I wasn’t concerned about the feedback. I didn’t write it for that. I did care about how it would affect the thoughts of one person in particular. I wondered if he’d see me differently.
Before yesterday I’d never spoken some of the things I wrote. I cried while writing some parts. In order to think of everything that happened; I had to take my mind back to those times and no matter how I didn’t want it to, my heart followed.
From the day I created this blog, I’ve made it a point to not write about the gentlemen for who I really cared. Although I say a lot in this blog, I still like to keep some things private. Sometimes I write about situations after the fact. There hasn’t been many who I haven’t written about because there haven’t been many that I deeply cared about. The ones who knew, after I shared its existence, I regretted it. I like to feel like I can always be myself but I also care about other people’s feelings. I never want someone I truly care about to feel like I am putting our relationship out in the streets. (For those of you who are slang illiterate that means telling all of your business.) When I was seeing someone who knew about the blog, I found myself hesitating to be myself in my writing. I felt like I had to walk on pens and needles just to pacify him. I didn’t like that feeling. I wouldn’t do very well in prison, I was born in the year of the horse and my Venus is in Gemini, I don’t like to feel confined, especially when I write.
It seems like we’ve been handed fairytales since we were little. The knight in the shining armor will come and rescue the princess. Some of us are still damsels in distress sitting and waiting in the tower of our hearts. In the meantime we are getting older and if we aren’t in a certain place within ourselves, our hearts are growing colder and colder.
The day before the post, he told me that he might have stumbled up on his keeper, referring to me. He said that the words I spoke yesterday caused him to look within his self, he felt differently. His mouth said he prefers to be alone and to keep his heart on a shelf. Last week he showed my picture to his friends. We sat, laughed, talked, shared our intentions and spoke of family and future plans. He put me in the “hot seat,” requesting all sorts of information. This was the first time anyone had done that. I was excited because it really felt like he wanted to get to know me. You should’ve heard his joy in his voice when he received some of my responses being that they were so similar to his. From the first moment I saw him a year ago, I wanted to know him, until recently I had only known him from a distance. Our preferences matching were purely “coincidence.”
How could he not know he wasn’t ready? Why would he allow himself to carry on in such ways? He acted like he was really happy in his moments with me. How could he just throw that all away in a day? He drew me into his world. I wasn’t asking for it. He invited me. He shared that I pulled his gravity. But something I said yesterday made him click, I’m not even sure which part in particular pushed him away from me.
The day I began this blog, it didn’t take me long to come up with its name. In matters of the heart, my love is so strong if we were speaking of sex, it’d be a premature ejaculator. So the phrase “premature dater” suited me. In the past when I met someone I would settle, telling myself that I could look past the fact that he wasn’t the ideal mate for me. I would rush into it and then end up being unhappy. Nowadays when I recognize that his ways and energy don’t affect me positively, I let him go speedily. But I didn’t have to lie to myself with him. His truth self was so happy, funny, culturally diverse, responsible, loving, pleasing, witty, beautiful, soul levitating, breathtaking and so fitting. My soul fell in love with his quickly…